True Blood: Shameless and Shirtless

The Huzby and I have recently become fans of True Blood. This is an HBO show featuring vampires, telepaths, werewolves, shape-shifters, maenads, zombies and various and sundry other creatures you probably thought were mythical. Not so in the land of True Blood. All "imaginary" beings are alive and kicking--at least for a show or two. There's an alarmingly high death rate for True Blood characters which shouldn't be at all surprising given how vampires, werewolves and zombies tend to treat "normal" people and how "normal" people tend to treat them. Let's just say the show's theme song "Bad Things"--sung by Jace Everett--explains a lot. The refrain--"I wanna do bad things with you" is a recurring theme.

Part of True Blood's allure (aside from the supernatural storyline and boatloads of blood)--at least for us--is that it's pornography without the graphy. Well, not too much graphy, anyway. You get to view some boobs, the occasional tush, some distant and indistinct frontal shots but that's it. The implied sex is pretty significant, however. Between zombie orgies (Eww. Those zombies look so weird and creepy with entirely black eyes, but they do like their sex.), Jason Stackhouse's jonesing Johhson (Talk about eye-candy, this guy is perfexcellence-- see below), and kinky, chained-up vampire sex (Would you like it here or there? Vampires like it anywhere. Torture wheel? You've got a deal.) you can really soak up some vicarious carnal knowledge. Gets a nice flow going to the old spongiosum if you know what I mean.


I give you Jason Stackhouse (Ryan Kwanten)--a modern day David. Oh, so yummy! But please, Jason, just don't speak.


In this purely prurient pursuit we are catching up. Currently we're in the middle of season 2 while the rest of the True Blood collective/coven is watching season 3. We aren't supposed to know that Sookie (the female lead) is telepathic due to the fact that she's really a fairy--but someone  let that naughty kitty out of the bag. Somehow I can't imagine this revelation went over well. A fairy? A FAIRY? I don't know. It just seems lame. Why can't she just be telepathic and that's it? Given the story is already over the top far-fetched, why launch it into true fairy-tale land? I'm sure the writers have something in mind but I've never thought of putting fairies and vampires in the same story. It just seems wrong somehow--like mixing milk with lemonade. You just wouldn't do it.

My favorite character is Lafayette. As far as I can tell at this point, he's a "normal" person. He's a buffed, street savvy, drug-dealing, cross-dressing, grill-working king of snappy verbiage. The dude has heart coupled with a certain charmingly tarnished morality. He used to deal "V"--vampire blood--which, based on the reaction of the trippers, has a similar effect to an ectasty meets LSD hybrid. As a result of dealing "V" he got locked in a vampire dungeon for 3 weeks and then fed upon. I'm so glad they didn't kill him. His pet name for his near and dear cousin,Tara, is "Hooker". Is it twisted of me to find this totally endearing? I want to hang with Lafayette in the hope that some of his uber-coolness will rub off on me. The sad reality is, I'm forever destined to be a goofy groupie from afar and as close to cool I'll ever get is chilly. Lafayette, I love you, man!

Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) Admit it. You want him. But he only loves the boys.

As much as I love Lafayette, the character I'd most like to take home is Sam. He's a shape-shifter and the animal he most often changes into is a dog. His human persona is fairly dog-like too. He remains loyal no matter how badly he's treated and has an innate sense of who's good and who's not. Not only is he a dog, he's a good dog. Sam is a good, good boy. I'd just love to put Sam in my car, let him hang his head out the window, drive him home, feed him some biscuits, scratch his belly, give him a nice bath and a trim (he seems to prefer a shaggy look) and have him keep my feet warm or perhaps lick my toes while I type, read or watch movies. And as long as Sam stays in dog form I don't think the Huzby will mind too much. Sam would fit right in with our mutts, Ozzie and Willie. C'mon home with me puppy! We've got a place for you in our pack.

Sam Merlotte (Sam Trammell) Woof, woof! Did I forget to mention he's easy on the eyes?

And because it IS ultimately all about the vampire and you have to pick a side, I have to go with team Eric. He's hot--scaldingly so, in fact. With vampires like Eric roaming the land of True Blood it's no wonder there are so many fangbangers. He's darkly dangerous. He's ancient and powerful. He's even sentimental and emotionally vulnerable, believe it or not. He thinks Sookie with her high fallutin' morality is cute but naive and pesky (she is pesky)--although, unfortunately I do believe I see a love story brewing there. Honestly, Sookie's holier-than-thou 'tude is hard to take and hopefully exposure to Eric will even her out a little--make her easier to like. She's always going off on some "the right and the only way" spiel. Blah, blah, blah. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Maybe a little vampire sex with Eric (instead of the mild-mannered Bill --::yawn::)will knock her off her high horse and put her on the same level as the rest of us "normal" people--except, oh yeah, she's a fairy. Who knew fairies were so obnoxiously righteous? Sic 'er Eric!

Eric Northman, giving new meaning to the phrase, "Bite me."

By now you've realized I left out a very important and obvious draw of True Blood. It's packed with beautiful bods. In my opinion, the male works of art outnumber the females but if, as am I, you are an equal opportunity enjoyer, all you need to do is watch and salivate. Don't forget your drool bucket. There's a fount of fine flesh to feast your eyes upon.



Amy (Lizzy Caplan) was only in 6 episodes but garnered our votes for best breasts...so far. And yes, you get to see them for real in the show--numerous times.


In our quest to catch up we enjoyed a 3 episode marathon a few weeks ago. It was late when the shows finished and I was tired and therefore only joking when I asked the Huzby if he wanted to do bad things with me. I know--such a tease. Instead, we went to sleep.

A few hours later Huzby started whining and moaning--a nightmare. I woke him up. He went back to sleep and in seconds started up again. I woke him up again. A minute later I had to wake him again.
"What's going on?" I asked. "What's the dream?"
"Vampires!"
"Well it's over now. No more bad dreams."
Another round and I woke him again.
"Dream that you have a wooden stake so you can kill them." I suggested.
"NO! I'm ONE of them!" he growled back.
Oh, brother.
It took 6 go arounds of rousing before he finally gave it up.

Luckily we haven't had a repeat performance of "I'm ONE of them!" nightmares. I'd hate to have to give up True Blood due to hyper vampire sensitivity. We've both confessed to being banned from watching from "Dark Shadows" as little kids for the same reason. The nightmares inspired by that sinister serial I can still vividly recall. But True Blood offers more than just scary vampires and their partnering preternatural personalities. Along with the gratuitous fright and gore you get access to some salaciously steamy spectacles. It's a truly phantasmagoric and fleshy phenom--if you're into that kind of thing.

This cover from Rolling Stone pretty much sums it all up: