A Door Unopened

A Door Unopened
Knock, knock...

Thursday, May 26, 2011


OK. My last blog entry for Mother's Day was admittedly on the heavy side. ::Sigh:: I'm still feeling a bit leaden from it.

Therefore, in order to completely counteract the residual gravitational pull of discussing my mom, my childhood, suicide, self-destructive behavior and other emotionally draining topics, I'm letting the pendulum swing in the opposite direction. With Spring teasing my id,  periodic sunshine revving my circadian rhythms and mid-life jamming the signals of my hormonal cycle, I have no choice but to give in to natural groove and go with it.

As a result, I've put together a Do List, more specifically, MY DO LIST.

I don't mean to insult your intelligence or knowledge of pop culture, but on the off chance that you're squinting your eyes, shaking your head, pursing your lips and wondering what the hell a Do List is, allow me to explain.

A Do List is a list of celebrities who you are, in agreement with your partner, allowed "to do" one time, should the opportunity ever arise. The pure beauty is that the event does not count as infidelity. In fact, your partner doesn't even have to know about it. It's like having ten, one use, anonymous E tickets for sex with the top ten celebrities of your choice. Are you with me? Good. Let's move on.


1) Do they have to be celebrities?
     Yes. If they were just that old unscratched itch or smoldering ember from years passed, there would be too much emotional tug. The opportune coupling might then become a threat to the partnership. We don't want that. Stop your whining right now and say it with me, "We don't want that." Good.

2) How many may I have on my list?
     That's between you and your sweetie but personally, I'd put the max at 10.

3) I only get to do them once?
    Yeah. That's the rule. This is meant to be pure carnal bliss while avoiding emotional attachments

4) What are the chances you'd actually ever be in a situation where you might be able to take advantage of your options?
     Gosh. I'd have to say skinnier than slim to none. I guess that's really the point. But it's good fun and excellent fantasy fodder, don't you think?

OK, here goes. In no particular order I give you:
  • Ken Watanabe: I adored him in "The Last Samurai". Muscle-ridden, reflective, philosophical, committed, pent-up, angry, loyal, imperfect. Oh, yeah. That could work.
Ken, just give me a chance and I can wipe that serious look off your face for a night.
  • Dwayne Johnson, a.k.a., The Rock: OK. Knock it off. I saw you rolling your eyes. No judging allowed. I like him. He's funny, self-deprecating, hunky, and I could just imagine the feeling of being wrapped up in those steely arms. Yes. That is me you see melting into abandon...
Lord, hear my prayer.
  • Ryan Kwanten: He cannot possibly be as stupid as his Jason character on True Blood. And besides that, he doesn't need to say a word. In fact, he can just lie there in bed and I'll do all the work for both of us. Happy to oblige.
Like I said, he can just lie there and I'll do all the work.

  • Ed Burns: I guess what I like about Ed is that he seems pretty smart, fairly cute if slightly goofy-looking, not overly concerned about his appearance, and is waving a brave, unapologetic good-bye to his hairline. I appreciate that in a guy. Do you suppose that means he'd try harder? I'm willing to find out.
    How about it, Ed. Are you like Avis?
  • Isaiah Mustafa--The ex-footballer, Old Spice dude: I know, I know. You're right. He's a sort of a cliched and obvious choice. He seems to have a good sense of humor underneath those biceps. And admit it--he's beautiful without being pretty. Good Christ,  look at the dude. What's not to love?
I love a man who can handle a horse and smells like a man, man.
  • Noah Wylie of ER and Donnie Darko fame (to name a few):  He's just got that sweet, brown-eyed, take-me-home-and-have-your-way-with-me, puppy dog look that makes me want to snuggle right up to him and spend the night satisfying our mutual beastly urges.
Hey, there puppy. May I scratch you here or there?  You can scratch me anywhere...

  • John Corbett: Remember him? He played the philosophical, ex-felon DJ on Northern Exposure and Carrie's boyfriend in Sex and the City. He seems like another guy who doesn't seem overly concerned about his looks. I can imagine having a beer with him, slipping between the sheets, enjoying a romp and a few laughs at the same time. No one gets hurt and we both go home happy.
Adorable. Who could say no when all you have to do is nod your head yes?

No doubt you've noticed I still have 3 spots open. True. I figure I've got lots of time to put things together so I'm not rushing myself. The truth is, there aren't LOADS of men out there I find overwhelmingly panty-dropping appealing. Is it possible middle-agedness is catching up with me? Or perhaps--just maybe--I'm saving those places for a woman or two or three or... Oh, pshaw. Who could blame me?

This is probably unnecessary, but I feel the need to explain a few blatant omissions:

  • Johnny Depp:  He was at one time in my line-up but he's gone overboard with that lame pirate look. Lately, he  appears to be outrageously  filthy and very likely germ-infested, neither quality falling into the category of sexy.
  • Brad Pitt, Rob Lowe, Jude Law, and the rest of their ilk: Their major issue is they're too pretty. The last thing I want to be thinking about is how much prettier my date is than I. Total buzz-kill.
  • George Clooney: I dunno. He just doesn't do it for me. I do think he'd be fun to hang out with. Maybe he could be the older brother I never had.
  • Ashton Kutcher: I should really like him--tall, dark, handsome, but... ::shoulder shrug::  he already has his cougar. He doesn't need me. All I can say is I'm just not that into him. But Demi, girl, you knock yourself out!
  • Tom Cruise: Just kidding! Really, I wasn't at all serious. Were you?

If you're wondering if I'm supposed to rank them, the answer is yes. I just can't bring myself to put one over the other. That being said, the older guys have an edge on the younger ones. No doubt about it. Generally speaking, the older they get, the smarter they get, and therefore, the better they get. At least that's the hope.

You're upset. You're not comfortable with this. You're saying I've objectified these men.

You're right. And your point is...?

Be real. On some base level I do this because, as human as I am, I'm still an animal. I'm indulging my animal side right now. Deal with it. Run with it. Snarl at it. Grab it by its scuff. Mount it. Hump it.

Ah. You feel better now, don't you?

Once you're done forgiving me for my base indiscretion, I invite you to give it some thought. I'd like to know who makes YOUR DO LIST. Please feel free to respond in the comment section below. Your humanistic/animalistic identity needn't be exposed. You are invited to be as anonymous as your sense of decency requires. But really... my animus is aching to know.


  1. Gentlemen, I suggest a sliding scale of 10± years north or south of your age, unless you're currently single. If you're my age and you pick — let's say mid-20s Emmy Rossum (totally random) — you're just asking for trouble, celebrity fantasy that's never going to happen in a million years or not. Show some restraint, like Bill Murray in "Lost in Translation."

    Maybe 15± years if you like playing with fire (or with 67-year-olds).

    -- Steve

  2. Thanks for the suggestion, Steve. Now if only we knew your preferences, assuming Emmy Rossum is as you say--totally random. May I suggest: Tea Leoni, Padma Lakshmi, Jennifer Aniston just to get you started?

  3. I think you just rounded out your Top 10 there, Lyn. -- Steve

  4. Actually Tim rounded out my list with Charlize Theron and Mila Kunis. I threw Gina Gershon, his other suggestion, back into the pool. Not my type. But yeah, Tea Leoni, is list-worthy.

    A few more suggestions:
    Iman, Vanessa Williams, Elle McPherson, Julie Christy (she's still hot for sure), Julianne Moore, Tina Fey (funny AND hot), Christie Brinkly, Cindy Crawford, Annette Benning, Sharon Stone, Lauren Hutton (still looks great), Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie (not my favorite but...), Julia Ormond... Is that enough or do you need more?

  5. I made myself stick with my 10± rule, which made for some so-damned-close heartbreak. I'll admit to a little Google searching to get to 10. All celeb actresses.

    Sophie Marceau – French actress (44)

    Mary-Louise Parker – American actress (46)

    Elle Macphereson – Aussie model/actress (50)

    Halle Berry – American actress (44)

    Monica Bellucci – Italian model/actress (48)

    Gong Li – Chinese actress (44)

    Salma Hayek – Mexican actress (44)

    Lucy Liu – American actress (42)

    Michelle Pfeiffer – American actress (52)

    Jennifer Aniston/Courtney Cox – Friends coin-toss (42ish)

    -- Steve

  6. Yay! Excellent list. Thank you, Steve. Tim has assembled his and promises to post soon. You guys have some duplicates.

  7. it's sunday morning and i'm listening to Barry Manilow so i guess i should do something useful and post my DO list...this is in no particular order of importance

    1. Eva Green-best Bond girl ever
    2. Jennifer Connelly-beautiful and she seems very down to earth
    3. Marisa Tomei-and she's about my age too...and George Costanza had a thing for her!
    4. Carey Mulligan-cutest dimples ever
    5. Tea Leoni-how can you be married to her and addicted to porn?
    6. Michelle Pfeiffer-about my age too and great cheekbones
    7. Kristen Scott Thomas-body like wifey's and classy. 'nuff said
    8. Catherine Popper-she's Grace Potter's bass player. Tall, thin, caliente...
    9. Zoe Saldana-like she was in Star Trek, not Avatar
    10. Amy Kaplan-was going to go with Anna Paquin but on second thoughts....the body wins out

    It is what it is. there were others but i was only allowed 10 so...

  8. My gal pals seem reluctant to respond. So far, as a cumulative assessment I've heard:

    Brad Pitt
    Jon Hamm
    Russell Crowe
    Johnny Depp
    Ray Charles (I know. Took my head clean off too!)
    Lenny Kravitz
    Paul Walker
    Robert Redford
    Sean Bean (Game of Thrones)
    Vigo Mortensen

    Would love to hear more lists!!

  9. You are too funny. We will have to discuss this in person in October.

  10. Joyce, you know if there's an inappropriate conversation to be had, I'm having it. Looking forward to hearing your list. You've got plenty of time between now and October to perfect it.

    Steve, after looking up Gong Li, I've decided you've made an excellent choice. I've thrown back Mila Kunis and am adding Gong Li to my list. Thank you.